Last Day of Kekwick!

After my struggles the first day of this diet, I've come to realize how easy it ended up being.  I ate 1000 calories every day (that's a TON), plus the food I was eating felt like I was just snacking on delicious junk food all day (not really junk junk food, but really fatty foods that I would normally try to avoid).  I spent my days eating nuts, avocados, peanut butter... Lol it was crazy...

And somehow I lost at least 4 pounds in 4 days, which is so much compared to my ~1 pound a week while I was restricting.  And it was mostly fat too (TMI: you can actually see the fat floating in your urine...).

I've decided to start the ABC diet tomorrow--there's just no way I can keep myself from carbs any longer (not allowed on Kekwick).  I know I'll end up cheating or binging if I do Low-Carb, so I might as well do the ABC.  Depending on how much I lose in the next couple weeks, I might end up switching to the SGD.

Anyway as you can see I'm very pleased with how this week went.  I lost a bunch of weight, my tummy is pretty much flat, I went through all of my jeans and will have to get rid of 5-6 pairs (only keeping a couple that almost fit me--still too big), and I ate a ton of peanut butter haha (still very happy about that lol).

The only problem with this week was that school and work were exhausting, and next week will probably be even harder.  But as long as I keep losing weight nothing else really matters!

Kekwick Day 3

I was getting really discouraged yesterday after not losing very much weight + wanting to eat everything I couldn't (even though I wasn't actually hungry at all--the macadamias surprisingly kept me very full all day due to the high calorie content).  Anyway,  I added peanut butter to the end of my night, because it's a "safe" food for the Kekwick and it's also probably my favorite food that I always have to limit myself from eating.  I started thinking that this diet isn't going to work and that I'm just filling myself up with fat for no reason--that I'm like the only person this diet doesn't work for (it's apparently supposed to work for everyone) or maybe somehow I'm doing it wrong (except that it doesn't seem that complicated... 75-90% calories from fat).  So I decided last night that if I don't lose more than .5 pound again when I weigh myself in the morning that I would stop after day 3.

Well lo and behold! I woke up this morning and went on my laptop to finish up some homework from last night.  I then had a really sharp pain in my stomach and (prepare for TMI) so I went to the bathroom and all of my "irregularity" problems from yesterday were solved!  I weighed myself and the scale read 108 :D

So in 2 days I've lost 3 pounds, which is most likely more than I would have lost by restricting plus it has the promise of speeding up my metabolism and getting rid of excess fat.  Therefore I'm sticking to my plan of Kekwick today and tomorrow (but I'm definitely adding my beloved peanut butter to my diet!).

Kekwick Day 2

I weighed myself this morning and the scale read 110.5, which is only half a pound down from yesterday.  I say only because I was kind of expecting more from the Kekwick, so I'm hoping that it's just too soon to see results yet.  In addition to my stomach feeling weird after I'd eat all the macadamia nuts, I've also been met with some "irregularity," which I'm also hoping is contributing to the slow weight loss.  I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow....

Today was a lot easier than yesterday in terms of eating.  I was able to space out my baggies of macadamias every two hours during the day.  I guess since I know what to expect as far as the taste and texture, I was better able to ignore all of it and just eat them.  What I did was eat the nuts while drinking about 24 ounces of water (necessary due to the taste and texture) at the top of the hour (usually lasted ~30 mins), then chew some gum + more water for the second hours (then repeat..).

Hmm so I was originally set on doing the ABC after this, but after hearing about great results by doing Low-Carb I've been tempted to switch to that.  I'm not so sure though, because I'm definitely better at restricting than I am at avoiding certain foods for a long period of time (besides being vegan of course, but that's different because it goes along with my morals/ethics so I feel more strongly about it).  I think I'll decide Friday when I'm done with the Kekwick, and base my decision off of how much weight I lose by then.

One of the ladies I work with today asked me if I was losing weight (yay) which I casually brushed off (I want it to look effortless lol).  The same thing happened yesterday with someone else I used to work with.  I'm glad that it's becoming more noticeable--I can finally notice it myself as well.  My face still looks the same to me because I look at myself in the mirror everyday, but I have noticed that my hands are bonier now.  None of my jeans fit me either--I officially look ridiculous in all of my clothes because they are so huge on me.  But I refuse to buy new ones until I get down to my goal weight!  I might buy one pair of pants in the meantime just because I look so funny in the ones I wear now, but I can't go crazy and go on a shopping spree just because I'm thinner (notice: not yet thin, but thinner...).  It's happened to me in the past, whenever I lose a large amount of weight I get excited and buy new clothes.  Then I stop losing weight because I become content with how I look.  I cannot let this happen this time.  I figure I might as well go all out and lose all the weight I need to instead of becoming content and then unsatisfied over and over again.

Post #3 of the day...

I managed to get through today, but I definitely underestimated the difficulty of this diet plan.  I kept thinking about the calories when planning to do this, and 1000 seemed like so much that I wouldn't have a problem doing it.  But the real challenge is how sick I am of macadamia nuts already, and how badly I want to take a nibble of something/anything else.

When I would restrict, often times I would take little bites of everything.  A mini pretzel, a slice of an apple, one craisin, etc. until I reached my calorie limit.  Or I would prepare something really flavorful so that even if I couldn't eat much of it, I would still be satisfied after eating it.  But this diet is NOT satisfying.  First of all, the nuts make me really thirsty so I constantly feel full of water + the water washes out any taste I had in my mouth, making me feel like I hadn't eaten anything.  Also, after the first few nuts of the day, I didn't want to eat any more.  So I have to force myself to eat them by telling myself that I can't eat anything else since I might ruin the whole thing if I do.  Which means I'm only eating them out of necessity, not because it tastes good or because I'm hungry.  And so now I'm having really bad cravings for any food, way more than when I restrict down to 200 calories.

At least the thought of having consumed 900 calories from fat today scares me into not wanting to take any risks of ruining the diet-->forcing me to continue and not eat anything else.

...well, "only" 3 more days!

Update

It is a lot harder to eat all these macadamia nuts than I thought it would be!  I got annoyed at the taste and texture about halfway through my first bag (and I've got 5 of them to get through...)  I just started my 3rd, I'm really trying to spread them out over the day but I've still got 2 more after this and I won't be able to eat again until after 6ish.

I'm definitely feeling the effects of eating almost pure fat already.  My stomach gets all weird after I forced feed myself a whole bag.  It's supposed to force your body into flushing out a bunch of fat stores though, so it should be worth it.  IT BETTER BE WORTH IT lol...  I would honestly rather limit myself to 200 calories of the tasty spaghetti I had yesterday than eat 1000 calories of this, but this is supposed to result in the fastest weight loss possible.

Here are some links to an old blog of someone doing (and stopping) the Kekwick (she lost 5 lbs in 2 days...):
http://pureana.blogspot.com/2008/02/day-1-done.html
http://pureana.blogspot.com/2008/02/morning-of-day-2.html
http://pureana.blogspot.com/2008/02/off-of-kekwick.html

I am PRAYING that I don't get sick like she did...

Another link for your information:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/5821136/burn_stored_fat_fast_with_the_kekwick.html?cat=5

Kekwick Day 1

Last night I measured out 4 days worth of food for the Kekwick diet (1 cup of macadamia nuts per day).  I split each days worth into 5 servings so that I make sure to stagger how much I eat over the course of the entire day.  I'm really excited/anxious about this diet because I've read so many good things about it (that it really works!) and also because macadamia nuts are tasty lol.  I just hope that by Friday I don't get sick of it since it's the only thing I'll be eating all week.

Yesterday I stuck to 200 calories.  I had a tiny salad (only mixed greens) for lunch and then for dinner I had "spaghetti" made with tofu shirataki<--this stuff is AMAZING!  They're pasta noodles made out of tofu and one serving is only 20 calories.  I had 1 serving of the noodles + 1 serving of spaghetti sauce for a total of 100 calories.  If I doubled it I would have had a HUGE bowl of "pasta" for only 200 calories.  I definitely recommend it (but you can't eat it plain because it doesn't have any flavor, so make sure to put pasta sauce or something on it).  I got it at Ralphs, located right next to the tofu. :D

800 calories

I had 800 calories on Thursday, and then 800 on Friday... and then 800 on Saturday...  And then who knows (~1500?) on Sunday...

That was definitely not part of my plan, which means even further adjustments to what I had planned.  I was going to do 2-4-6-8 to build up to 1000 (for Kekwick) but it looks like I've already done that...  So I'm doing 200 calories tonight and hopefully starting the Kekwick tomorrow.  The only thing that would stand in my way would be if I can't somehow get around to weighing out my macadamia nuts because my boyfriend or roommates say something about it.  I realize now that I should've weighed them out beforehand (but I didn't want them to get stale!).

Ugh I also neglected to take my vitamins and fiber supplement Saturday and Sunday, which probably messed up my energy levels (I was sooo tired over the weekend--I thought it was just due to the travel) and also made me irregular.

On a lighter note, I did finally weigh myself again this morning and it read 111.5, which will hopefully get lower once I get rid of all the waste from the junk I ate this weekend (fiber time!).

I am sooo glad that I have to do so much walking/scrambling around during the day because of school/work.  I never have any time to exercise (and yet I somehow have time to binge?..) because of studying (graduating a year early!), so I know that my activity during the day really helps out a lot.  There is no way I could still be losing weight despite my frequent mini-binges if it weren't for the calories burned in the day.

My boyfriend and I were separated for Easter (he stayed with his family while I visited mine), but I found out yesterday that he tried Epsom Salt (as a laxative) Saturday night.  Once he told me about it I knew that I could do it every once in a while without having to hide it from him (yay!).  He knows I'm paranoid about "regularity" and "cleansing," but I figured he would not approve of taking laxatives.  BUUUUUT since he's tried it now, I can use it too lol...

I've really been wanting to take pictures of my body (say weekly?) to keep track of my progress, but every time I do I hate what I see and delete it.  I'm worried that I'll never like what I see because I have a hideous reminder of how fat I let myself get in high school--I have stretch marks on my hips and thighs...  And no matter how thin I get the scars will still be there :(

Wow lol sorry for the long and rambling post but I just had so many random thoughts in my head!

I'm not sure how I feel today.  I've been getting hungrier lately, I think because I started letting myself eat a snack earlier in the day.  I had a clementine just now (~40 cals) to keep me going through class and then work.  I didn't need this last week though, and I always got through my day just fine.  Perhaps it's because my body is catching up to the lack of calories?  Or maybe I just think I need it now as an excuse for me to eat.  I've been really paranoid about my health--obviously I don't want to black out or anything like that, so I've been making sure to drink water or have a bite to eat if I'm feeling questionable.  I'm thinking maybe I haven't actually been needing the bite to eat and it's just my paranoia resulting in me feeling "faint" or "weak" enough to eat something.  I don't really know what to do about this because I don't want to force myself to ignore these signs (because what if they are real and I end up blacking out or something?!?) but I also don't want to eat anything extra if I don't absolutely need it....

I don't know, but it's making me worried about next week.  I'm doing 2-4-6-8 to prep my body for the Kekwick (which is 1000 cals a day eek!).  I haven't had that much to eat for an entire week in like 6 weeks...  I hope that eating almost normally next week doesn't make me really hungry and then I end up eating more.  Or that I end up gaining back some of the weight I lost...  Most of all lol I hope that it doesn't make it too hard for me to start up the ABC diet, or SGD (not sure which one to do anymore)...

I just wanted to say...

...that I have no idea what I would do without you guys and this blog. 

I can't believe it, but this place has seriously become a sanctuary for me.  A place where I can comfortably spill my deepest secrets and share them with others.  We are all going through the same things, with some of us at different stages of it than others. 

I have tried on more than one occasion to keep a blog, but they always failed.  I couldn't keep anyone interested in them, including myself.  This time, I finally decided to create the simplest kind of blog out there--one where I merely record my thoughts for the day.  And lo and behold this is the only one that stuck.  The only one I keep coming back to, and that others keep coming back to.  The only one where I have made connections to other people.

So I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for the support you've given me, whether you are aware of it or not.  And know that I will be here for you guys if you need it :)

Peanut Butter...

I just got really frustrated with my homework and decided to take a break from it.  But keeping myself busy by doing homework is the only thing that keeps me from eating.  So I ended up binging just now.  I wanted to eat less than 400 cals today, but ended up closer to 800.

Peanut butter is my weakness!  Once I open the jar I can't just have a tiny bit ugh..  Now my stomach is feeling weird--too full...

O well, I'll just have to make sure to keep my focus tomorrow.

I cannot wait until I start the Kekwick diet in a couple weeks to get rid of all this fat I have on my body.  The weight I've been losing has been nice, but it's probably just been water weight and muscle.  I don't mind losing muscle as long as I get thin, but to have no muscle and just be covered in fat is completely useless!  I know I look heavier than I actually am, because I have a fairly low BMI and yet look nowhere near thin (which is a sign of too much fat and not enough  muscle...)

Doo dee doo, anyway today I weighed myself (only checking every other day now) and the scale read 111!  Yay I think I'll be able to get down to 110 by Easter :)

Seriously girls, it gets so much easier when you relax and stop obsessing about losing weight.  As long as you have a goal (say less than 400ish calories a day) and stay close to it you WILL lose weight.  It might be a teensy bit slower than fasting or stressing about minimizing your intake as much as possible, but I think it ends up being easier (with less chance for binging too).  Also don't weigh yourself too much, you'll just end up freaking out or feeling miserable.  If you weigh yourself every other day, or once a week, the numbers will always look like they're going down.  If you weigh yourself constantly, you'll see the normal fluctuations that your body goes through during the day and you'll just stress out too much.


Good luck everyone! <3

Hmmm.... For some reason I've been in a good mood (for the most part) this entire week!  Usually I would be obsessing about food/weight/whatever other problem I decide to focus on, but something's different this week.

I think it's because I finally stopped stressing about losing weight.  I don't need to guilt myself into not eating anymore.  Now that I've relaxed about it, it's just coming naturally.  I don't WANT to eat anymore because I WANT to lose weight.  I don't know what I was thinking before lol but guilt is definitely not the way to do it.

Last night I ate my 200 calories of pizza, but I ate it more quickly than usual and ended up really hungry at around 10.  Normally this would be late enough to ignore, but I was trying to finish up some homework and the combination was giving me a headache.  So I had a clementine (an extra 40 cals).  Later I had a couple pieces of trail mix (~20 calories).  Then I went to bed.  And I didn't feel guilty about any of it!!!  I just ate what I needed to WHEN I needed to.  I had to get my blood sugar up so I ate as little as possible to do so.  I finished off the day with less than 300 calories, which sounds good to me.  The extra calories I added were from nuts and fruits anyway (as opposed to an Oreo or something), so it would have been hard for me to feel guilty about eating a healthy snack.

Today I'm feeling really hungry.  Especially because I woke up an hour early to finish my homework.  But I've already gotten through my classes for the day, so all I need is to get through work.  (AGH my stomach just growled really loudly lol) Anyway, once I get home I'll be able to eat while working on homework, so I should be fine.  (and if I need a little more food, I'll wait, take a tiny bite of something, and then move on)

:D so happy/excited for some reason lol!

My boyfriend thinks I take too many supplements.  He said that I take more supplements (4 pills a day) than I eat, and that overdoing it is unhealthy.  Little does he know....

Anyway, apparently he has started smoking again.  I suspected so, but he confirmed it today when a friend came over and he asked the friend for a cigarette.  He quit over a year ago because I asked him to, but started again without talking to me about it.  Well, if he's going to smoke then I'm going to continue to take my supplements and not eat!

"just because someone is a hypocrite doesn't mean they're wrong."

Well, I did it.

I went an entire day without weighing myself lol.  

Today  I am 113 pounds.  This is up 1 pound from Friday, but I know it would have looked like way more if I checked yesterday so I'm glad I didn't.  I stuck to my diet plan yesterday and had ~200 calories, which is exactly what I would have done if I weighed myself (except that I would have also been miserable because of what I saw on the scale).

When I first started up this blog, I was losing ~1 pound a day.  It was SO nice, but I knew that it wouldn't last--it was only because I had so much excess weight at the time and my metabolism was used to eating a ton.  Now that my metabolism has slowed and gotten used to how little I eat, I've been losing ~1 pound a week.  Obviously this is also due to my binge-y weekends.  

At first I was disappointed, the quick weight loss I had been experiencing was so motivating!  But I can't give up now just because it's taking some time.  I will NOT stay at this weight.  I just need to make sure I continue with the weight loss, even if it's only a tiny bit at a time--there really isn't anything more I can do.  So for now I will only weigh myself every other day just to check in, and NEVER the day after I binge (which hopefully won't be very often).

Same calorie goal today:

~200 calories from 2 small slices of vegan pizza

Just for fun

CALLUM BLUE

I've been noticing a trend on a few blogs that I follow--NOT constantly weighing yourself.
At first this sounded crazy to me--isn't it the point to keep track of your progress?  And also to use those numbers that show up as motivation?

Well, I finally figured out where these girls are coming from lol.  I am terrible at keeping up with my diet plan over the weekend, especially since I don't have a specific schedule to adhere to (like with the ABC diet), so on Monday mornings I weigh myself and pretty much end up being upset for the rest of the day.  And I know it's coming, but I keep falling into the same traps.  It's like I go into the weekend knowing I'll binge, knowing I'll weigh a ton on Monday morning.  And yet I keep doing it.  And then I get upset about it.  But I'm tired of being angry at myself, especially since I work so hard the other 5 days of the week.  I've noticed that my posts have been attacks on myself, and I don't like it anymore. 

This past weekend I ate more than I should have, but less than I have previous weekends.  I believe that it was because I allowed myself to finally relax for a bit--I didn't binge because I didn't want to feel guilty about it.  Of course, I know I didn't lose any weight this weekend.  Which is why I am NOT going to weigh myself today.  I'm going to stick to my small dinner (I haven't had anything to eat all day thus far) and I'll weigh in tomorrow.

Basically, I already know what I want and what I have to do to achieve it.  I also know that I am capable of doing it because I've already gotten this far.  So I know that if I stick to my plan, I'll lose weight whether I step on that scale or not.  Therefore I might as well not weigh myself today when I know it'll just make me miserable.

BUT AS SOON AS Lent is over I will have the specific schedule of the Kekwick then ABC diet lol, so no more excuses then.

Period...

Meh my period started up today.  Somehow I had completely forgotten about it lol so when I when to the bathroom this morning I was slightly surprised but mostly "meh."  Ugh one more week of Lent fasting and I'll be bloated and crabby and craving every food in the world (even more so).

But I'm down to 112 pounds!  Plus I heard that your metabolism increases slightly during your period, so as long as maintain 300 cals a day then I should lose weight pretty quickly yay.  The only problem is the fact that I'll have to figure out how to maintain 300 cals when I'm already feeling ravenous right now (due to period + barely eating for the past month or so).

Ah well one week, I think I can do it!

Hmm so as exhausting as work/school is, I'm so glad that I am forced to stay out of my food-filled apartment until 6 Monday through Friday.  I've kept one piece of fruit in my bag with me at all times, but it's the same clementine I've had there for over a week (which means I haven't been eating anything during the day for an entire week!). Except that yesterday I took some snacks from work, which I usually would have removed from my bag and put somewhere else to eat later (as in much much later when I'm not restricting so much), but this time I forgot them there.  So now I have such tasty little snacks looking up at me everytime I open my bag (not to mention that my backpack is heavy enough as it is, making me think about the snacks I should have taken out yesterday so I wouldn't be carrying them around all day today).  Why do such small things torture me so lol?!?!

And since it's Friday and I'm bored but I don't want to do HW, here are some pictures lol





I never really cared for Nicole Ritchie until I started college, when I truly gained control over what I ate.  She's always seemed pretty to me and has a cute sense of style (and of course she's super thin), but I think what I like most about her is that everyone knows she used to be huge, and pictures of her from that time in her life still exist and are all over the internet. 

I HATE any old pictures of me.  I never ever want to think about high school especially.  Whenever I see an old picture of me, my first reaction is "ew" and then I take a closer look and just can't believe that's even me.  I can never recognize myself in old pictures.  And I hate meeting up with old friends who haven't seen me in a while because they always bring up "omg you're so much thinner than the last time I saw you!"  This sounds like a good thing (which it is) but I hate remembering how huge and disgusting I was.  I think that's why I wanted to go away for college, so I could just start over with new people who never knew what I used to look like (that is, until they find old pictures of me on facebook ugh).  That's also why I want to start over again after college, because I did drop a significant amount of weight during my 3 years here.  I want people to know me as thin, not as previously fat. 

Anyway, that's why I love Nicole Ritchie now lol.  People have seen her when she was big, but that doesn't stop her from being cute and thin now.

I have become absolutely OBSESSED with food and calories this week.  Even more so than usual.  I've been refusing myself even a few extra calories a day, so I've been going to bed hungry (which sucks because then it takes me forever to fall asleep since I just lie there and imagine eating all kinds of delicious food).  Last night I even dreamed about a beautifully tasty little cupcake.  It was literally the center of my dream lol.

Ahh I can't wait until I get down to my goal so that I can start eating "normally" again.  Since I've been limiting myself to 300 calories a day this week, eating 1000 would feel like SO much.  My 300 calorie dinners have actually seemed like "real" meals anyways.  Yesterday I had an entire cucumber avocado roll for only 300 calories, today and the other day I had 3 small slices of vegan pizza.  I know I would be completely satiated with 1000, having eaten probably 2 meals and like 3 snacks a day to get to the full 1000 calories.  I'm actually looking forward to getting to the 2468 diet because the 600 and 800 days will be sooo nice lol.

That reminds me, I hate that I've been trying to get through my days as quickly as possible.  I've been working until around 6pm everyday, and I don't allow myself to eat until then.  I then focus on my homework as much as possible while I slowly eat my dinner so that it lasts for most of the night (to avoid any late-night snacking).  Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure I'll be like this until I get to my weight goal.  Since I've been obsessed with food, I need the homework to distract me and to stay out all day to keep me from eating.  Ugh why can't I lose faster lol! --Actually, what I should say is why did I ever let myself get so HUGE?!?!? That's the real problem here...

Back to the Beginning

I weighed myself again yesterday and this morning, and for some reason it appears my scale is back to normal.  Today it said that I weigh 113 pounds...

I was 113 exactly one week ago.  It took me an entire week to get back to where I was, which sucks because that means I wasted all that time!   And I've only got just over a week until Lent is over, after which I will ease back in to eating "normally" for a while.  I'm planning on doing 2468 for the first 4 days after Lent, then 1000 for the next 3 days, then starting the Kekwick diet.  Hopefully that's enough of an ease in to 1000 calories a day because if I gain this weight back I'll be so sad.

I really need to make this last weekend of Lent count.  No excuses, no binging.  My dad's birthday is this weekend so I need to focus and keep control of myself.  If I can continue to lose this weekend, then I'll be able to carry it over through next week and hopefully finish Lent on a good note.

Broken Scale again...

Well it appears that my scale is on the fritz.  I weighed myself this morning (multiple times) and it kept giving me 108.  Obviously this is not possible, as much as I would like it to be.  So now I won't be able to "properly" weigh myself until the weekend when I go to my boyfriend's house.  His parents have an analog scale that they leave in the downstairs bathroom.  Except that it's analog...  Which means that I can only use it to estimate how much I weigh based on where the dial looks like it's pointing.

This is so annoying because I'm in the middle of the 2nd to last week of Lent (AKA "crunch time").  Not to mention I don't know how soon I'll be able to buy a new scale since this weekend is my dad's birthday and next weekend is my mom's birthday/Easter.  I most likely won't have time to go out and buy a new one until after that, unless I buy one online (hmm... perhaps..).

I guess for now I'll keep using it to make sure it really is broken, and casually ask my roommates to weigh themselves to see if the numbers look right (although I doubt any of them weigh themselves often enough to notice it's off by a few pounds....).

Okay, goal for today:
-3 slices of vegan pizza (made by my boyfriend!!!)~300 calories
(in case you were wondering, it's a 10" pizza, no cheese, cut in to 8 slices)
-3x Metamucil
-green tea, maybe coffee
-Mango Tango
-Note: I've completely cut out my midday snack of a piece of fruit (usually a clementine)--> I'm only eating once a day now yay

Ooo I've also decided that I need to do a cleanse ASAP.  I want to do the Lemonade cleanse with a salt water flush, but I'll have to wait until I'm done with school because the lemonade needs to be freshly prepared multiple times a day.  So hopefully sometime in August (ahh I know, weird to plan so far ahead but that's the only thing that keeps me going...  Plan way ahead so that I can spend most of my time in autopilot.). 

No progress

Well, this past weekend has officially been the worst one so far.  I've always been able to bounce back after my failed weekends, either staying at the same weight or even losing slightly.  Well not this time.  This time I gained back 1.5 pounds and can't seem to shake it.  I followed through with my diet plan yesterday but I still ended up at the same weight this morning.  The effects of my overindulgence in peanut butter are here to stay.

Alright, that cinches it.  Time for some real punishment so that I can truly learn from my mistakes.  I kept taking my weight loss for granted, thinking that it would come as long as I restrict "tomorrow."  No more binging over the weekends.

Until I get down to 110 pounds, no more than 300 calories a day.

Until I get down to 100, no more shopping.  My clothes officially do NOT fit me anymore, but I don't want to buy new ones if I'm planning to drop even more weight.  I won't buy clothes that I "plan" to wear when I'm skinnier.  Nothing until I'm actually there.

New wardrobe at 97.

I am moving out of my apartment at the end of June.  Whenever I move I go through my stuff and sell/donate what I don't want anymore.  My goal: to have to get rid of most of my clothes because they are way too big on me.

Vitamins!

Just ordered a bunch of new vitamins from Puritan's Pride :D I got Sea Kelp (supposed to help with thyroid/metabolism), Vitamin B complex (helps with energy metabolism and hair/nails), and L-Carnitine.

Oh that reminds me, I drank my fiber supplement AND some apple cider vinegar before I ate dinner, and even though I hadn't eaten all day I wasn't hungry!  I am quite pleased with how these two supplements worked together, I'm going to try to take both every morning and then again before dinner to make sure I feel nice and full at all times.

Completely forgot to mention that I finally changed my username to my real first name rather than that ugly nickname..  Just in case any of you were confused...

Bad Weekend.

I'm back to 114.5.

In addition to the alll of the food I ate over the weekend, I also managed to consume 1/2 a jar of peanut butter.....

Ugh and I was already concerned with all of the sodium I had on Thurs/Fri, which is why I decided to eat like 1/2 a Costco sized bag of pita chips(?!??!) with my PB...

WTH is wrong with me?!? What am I doing?  I'm the only one to blame for the complete halt my weight loss has come to.  I've been wanting to say that it's due to my metabolism slowing down blah blah blah but obviously it's my own lack of control.  And I apologize to all of you reading this, as you can probably tell I've been so pissed off at myself every time I come on here to post an update of how much crap I've been eating.

Well,  I've got 2 more weeks of Lent.  My goal was to be down to 100 but obviously that's not going to happen.  My hope is that by Easter I will be at 110.  If not, I'm skipping the week long break I was supposed to take between diets as punishment for eating too much now.

Today's goal:
unlimited salad with <1 cup brown rice ~250 calories
clementine (~40 calories) ONLY IF I NEED IT....

Yesterday

Yesterday I added some food to my projected meal plan, 2 cups of miso soup with tofu (~120-160 calories)...  I was so full after I ate half of it, but I kept eating--I don't know why.  Afterwards I felt really full and uncomfortable ugh...  Anyway, because of that I skipped the potential granola that I would have added to my soy yogurt, so hopefully it evened out.  Although the soup had sooooo much sodium I probably retained a bunch of the water I drank.

And today is Friday, so I'll probably end up eating more than I plan over the weekend (as usual...)

I can't lose control like this, I hate it!

But soon enough, Lent will be over and I'll switch to my new diet.  I hope that changing it up will lead to more consistency on my part...  

Oh, I also just heard about the baby food diet.  I am very intrigued!  I bought some baby food and I plan on doing it soon enough :)

Hmm, oh I also realized yesterday that even being more than 1/2 way to my goal weight, I am still way too big!  I think I'll have to change my goal to 95-97 pounds, but I'll see when I get closer.

Progress :)

Yesterday I stuck to my eating plans, except for a small plain salad (only romaine lettuce) in the middle of the day.  I would estimate that it added an extra ~30 calories to my plan, so I'm okay with it :)

Also, I completely forgot that one of my guy roommates who works out all the time uses my scale.  Yesterday he asked me where it was, and I made up an excuse saying "oh yeah, it probably shouldn't be sitting sideways over there anyway, that's bad for scales right?" and put it back in the bathroom!  So now I have my beautiful little scale back, which told me that I weighed 114.5 in the middle of the day yesterday and 113 this morning!!!

Obviously I am in a good mood lol, despite all the crap I've been having to deal with at school and work.  My school work has been a bit overwhelming this quarter, even though it's only the 2nd week of the quarter.  I've also had a tough schedule at work, so by the time I get home everyday I'm exhausted and it's been really hard for me to get started on my homework.

Hmm yesterday I also started taking a green tea diet pill (which ended up keeping me up all night--I wonder how much caffeine was in it...) and a Costco-brand Metamucil powder supplement since I ran out of the Nature's Way(I think?) that I was taking.  It definintely seems more potent, I'm pretty sure the Nature's Way had been expired for a while...  Speaking of which, I had been holding on to the green tea pills for a while, so I was surprised that it kept me up since I believe those expire this month.

Anyway, my food plans for today:
-1 clementine
-green tea
-water
-2x Metamucil
-soy yogurt with strawberries and possibly granola
-Mango Tango

Last night...

Last night I had a mini-binge and ended up eating a total of 600-700 calories overall, with about 175 of it being from candy D:  I guess it's still not bad, but since I haven't been able to weigh myself today, I can't tell for sure so I wanted to stick to 200-300.  I want to be losing weight daily, and since my weight loss has slowed down to ~2 pounds per week I'm worried that it'll be slowing down even more.  

I went to bed last night thinking about how I could possibly ensure that I avoid any extra calories and I came up with this--eat first thing in the morning to get my metabolism going a bit, then wait until as late as possible to eat dinner and eat it sloooowly.  I know I can go through the day without eating, it's always late at night that I stuff my face.  And since I have a preset meal that I eat every night, I can just eat it late and be full by the time I usually want to start snacking.

I also decided I should list everything I plan to eat, because if it's posted here then I should really stick to it!

-1 small California clementine for breakfast ~40 calories

-unlimited black coffee

-unlimited unsweetened tea

-unlimited water

-veggie taco at the end of the day ~200 calories

-Mango Tango (to swallow my vitamins)~25 calories

TOTAL~ 250-300 calories

Frozen

Yay so yesterday I stuck to my goal of 200-300 calories and I feel great today!

I had:
-most of a corn tortilla ~ 80 calories
-1 leaf of lettuce ~ 5 calories
-1 tbsp of hummus ~ 25 calories
-1/2 veggie patty ~ 85 calories
-4 sips of Odwalla Mango Tango ~ 50 calories
for a grand total of ~245 calories!

I had this all for dinner by spreading the hummus on the tortilla, breaking the veggie patty into the tortilla, and then topping it with lettuce to make a little taco.  It was delicious and flavorful so it kept me full for the rest of the night.

I was also able to sneak my scale into the bathroom to weigh myself really quick since my roommates all left the apartment before me.  I am now down to 115.5 pounds :) 

I also discovered a little trick to keep from eating everything in sight.  I've been portioning out all of my dry foods, but I've had to eye out how much I should eat of regular food that I keep in the refrigerator.  Usually I'm really good about it, but this has resulted in me throwing out a bunch of food at the end of the week that I didn't eat.  Yesterday it finally dawned on me that I should just freeze everything.  So I measured out how much I'll eat for the rest of the week (through Friday) and froze the rest.  This way I can't eat more than I planned since all of my food is frozen, but I also won't waste any expensive food.  So far I've frozen tortillas, tofu, beefless strips, veggie patties, strawberries, and soy yogurt.  I may add some Mango Tango and bananas by the end of the week.  My main problem now is that there isn't really any space left in the freezer :)

No scale! D:

So sometime in the wee hours of Saturday morning, my bathroom ceiling started leaking water.  Then it started pouring.  Apparently the girl upstairs left her shower on all night and blocked the drain, completely flooding her apartment enough to start leaking significantly into mine.  By the time I woke up, it looked like there had been a hurricane in my bathroom!  We had to move everything out, including my scale which had been sitting in a pool of water.  I had to let it dry before testing it out, but since there isn't anywhere to put it (can't really use the bathroom right now) I still haven't checked to see if it works.  More importantly, I haven't been able to weigh myself since Friday!

This is going to be really hard on me since I absolutely need to make sure I'm losing weight, otherwise I would cut more out of my diet.  Without being able to keep track, I think I'll have to default to eating 200-300 calories a day just to be safe.  But even with that, I might be stuck at the same weight for a while without even knowing it... Arrgghhhh!!!!

Hopefully I'll be able to sneak my scale back in to the bathroom sometime this week without anyone questioning it.  Our toothbrushes aren't even in the bathroom right now though, so if it's bad enough to leave those out I don't know how I would explain the scale...

I also left my reusable water bottle somewhere, and I didn't notice until I was about to leave for class this morning.  I'm going to have to rumage through my things and find another one tonight because there is no way I can go one more day without a bottle of water on me, especially if I'm going to be cutting my calories even more than they already were.

Too much

Well today I started out at 116.5 pounds...  

Last night I gave in to my hunger and ate some snacks (popcorn and some trail mix..)  It may not seem like much but I know it was compared to the amount of calories I consumed all day.  Then today I started out well, with only a banana all day until some tofu and broccoli after work...

But my roommate's birthday was earlier in the week, so we went to a restaurant to celebrate.  I finished ALL of my food.  I kept thinking "it's not that much anyway (it was tofu curry and rice)" but once I looked at my empty plate I immediately felt sick.  I can't believe I let myself eat that much, especially since I was trying to pump myself up after my spring break failure.  During the car ride back to the apartment I kept thinking about how I have to purge.  But there were a bunch of people there and I couldn't just start throwing up without drawing attention.  Not to mention I don't even know how to purge.  I've tried a few times by sticking my fingers down my throat but I just spit up a little bit.  I've heard that salt water can work, but it's not for everyone.  I would try it but I don't really want to risk drinking 4 tbsp of salt without eventually vomiting.  So here I am sitting at my laptop being a fatty and writing about it.  I'm dreading what the scale will say tomorrow morning.  I don't think I'll eat anything tomorrow, just water and maybe some juice if I need it.  I have to make up for this stupid mistake.