It seems my last couple of posts were deleted off here while Blogger was down...

Anyway, I'm a bit lost right now.  I don't think I want to do the ABC anymore.  I don't want to think about calories or too much food or anything.  I want to stop starving myself.  I want to be healthy.  But I can't bring myself to eat.  And when I do eat, I feel full/uncomfortable quickly (which means not eating "enough" to be healthy).  

My friend made me a pizza today.  The whole thing would have been ~800 calories.  I got really anxious because I was supposed to fast today for the ABC, but he made it for me and he's the only person I talk to about my issues with food (besides my boyfriend, but I leave out a lot of the more worrisome details when I talk to my boyfriend...) so I decided to take a bite.  I ended up eating a whole slice (~100 calories) but reverted back to my rituals of picking at it (ate all the veggie toppings off it, telling myself that those were the tastiest parts but knowing deep down it's probably because they're so low in calories).  I then felt quite full after the 1 slice, which doesn't make sense because I hadn't eaten anything all day.

I want to be thin, and I willingly put myself through all of this "starvation" stuff for it.  But now I'm getting kind of scared.  I thought I had control over food.  But now I think that I've lost the control, and even though I think that I would rather be healthy for some reason I can't change what I'm doing.

I also feel that I'm compulsively trying to fit exercise into my day, when I used to not care.  And it's not healthy exercise, just exercise because I feel the need to do it.  

I feel like I need to push my body to its limits without understanding why I feel this way.  I hope that this weekend will provide me with some clarity.