Anticipation

Today I am 120.5 pounds.

I can't wait to lose more weight and be skinny for once in my life!  It's been warming up lately so I haven't been wearing a jacket/sweater anymore.  I keep imagining my arms being so perfectly lovely and skinny every time I move them.  I also imagine how lovely my elbows will be once you can finally see them!  My fingers will be so thin and best of all... hipbones!!! shoulder blades! collar bones galore!

At the same time, I've been getting kind of paranoid.  As "pro Ana" as I consider myself/my behavior to be, I keep worrying that someone will eventually see through all of my lies and discover my potential anorexia (I haven't been diagnosed so who knows what I have).  I knew I would keep this blog completely anonymous, but I feel so dishonest going back into my "browsing history" and deleting any trace of me ever visiting this blog or any other pro Ana site.  And I've been so paranoid about anyone even seeing a corner of any of those sites out of the very corner of their eyes that I'm always looking around to gauge people's vantage points and determine if it's "safe" for me to continue...  

Okay, that sounded really crazy, but it's at least somewhat true.  I can't let anyone find out that I'm doing this.  As much as I want to be obviously thin (and therefore obviously lose weight), I can't let my means of achieving this goal be obvious...  With that said, I've dropped 8.5 pounds in one week, and I know for a fact that my boyfriend has noticed.  The main change in my body so far has been my belly/waist, and it's only noticeable to him because his arm is always around my waist.  He hasn't said anything about it, but I did tell him that I'm fasting for Lent and not actually trying to lose weight.  I'm so afraid of what could happen if he finds out what I've been hiding from him...