I'm back to 114.5.
In addition to the alll of the food I ate over the weekend, I also managed to consume 1/2 a jar of peanut butter.....
Ugh and I was already concerned with all of the sodium I had on Thurs/Fri, which is why I decided to eat like 1/2 a Costco sized bag of pita chips(?!??!) with my PB...
WTH is wrong with me?!? What am I doing? I'm the only one to blame for the complete halt my weight loss has come to. I've been wanting to say that it's due to my metabolism slowing down blah blah blah but obviously it's my own lack of control. And I apologize to all of you reading this, as you can probably tell I've been so pissed off at myself every time I come on here to post an update of how much crap I've been eating.
Well, I've got 2 more weeks of Lent. My goal was to be down to 100 but obviously that's not going to happen. My hope is that by Easter I will be at 110. If not, I'm skipping the week long break I was supposed to take between diets as punishment for eating too much now.
Today's goal:
unlimited salad with <1 cup brown rice ~250 calories
clementine (~40 calories) ONLY IF I NEED IT....
Showing posts with label ana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ana. Show all posts
Monday, April 11, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Last night...
Last night I had a mini-binge and ended up eating a total of 600-700 calories overall, with about 175 of it being from candy D: I guess it's still not bad, but since I haven't been able to weigh myself today, I can't tell for sure so I wanted to stick to 200-300. I want to be losing weight daily, and since my weight loss has slowed down to ~2 pounds per week I'm worried that it'll be slowing down even more.
I went to bed last night thinking about how I could possibly ensure that I avoid any extra calories and I came up with this--eat first thing in the morning to get my metabolism going a bit, then wait until as late as possible to eat dinner and eat it sloooowly. I know I can go through the day without eating, it's always late at night that I stuff my face. And since I have a preset meal that I eat every night, I can just eat it late and be full by the time I usually want to start snacking.
I also decided I should list everything I plan to eat, because if it's posted here then I should really stick to it!
I went to bed last night thinking about how I could possibly ensure that I avoid any extra calories and I came up with this--eat first thing in the morning to get my metabolism going a bit, then wait until as late as possible to eat dinner and eat it sloooowly. I know I can go through the day without eating, it's always late at night that I stuff my face. And since I have a preset meal that I eat every night, I can just eat it late and be full by the time I usually want to start snacking.
I also decided I should list everything I plan to eat, because if it's posted here then I should really stick to it!
-1 small California clementine for breakfast ~40 calories
-unlimited black coffee
-unlimited unsweetened tea
-unlimited water
-veggie taco at the end of the day ~200 calories
-Mango Tango (to swallow my vitamins)~25 calories
TOTAL~ 250-300 calories
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Frozen
Yay so yesterday I stuck to my goal of 200-300 calories and I feel great today!
I had:
-most of a corn tortilla ~ 80 calories
-1 leaf of lettuce ~ 5 calories
-1 tbsp of hummus ~ 25 calories
-1/2 veggie patty ~ 85 calories
-4 sips of Odwalla Mango Tango ~ 50 calories
for a grand total of ~245 calories!
I had this all for dinner by spreading the hummus on the tortilla, breaking the veggie patty into the tortilla, and then topping it with lettuce to make a little taco. It was delicious and flavorful so it kept me full for the rest of the night.
I was also able to sneak my scale into the bathroom to weigh myself really quick since my roommates all left the apartment before me. I am now down to 115.5 pounds :)
I also discovered a little trick to keep from eating everything in sight. I've been portioning out all of my dry foods, but I've had to eye out how much I should eat of regular food that I keep in the refrigerator. Usually I'm really good about it, but this has resulted in me throwing out a bunch of food at the end of the week that I didn't eat. Yesterday it finally dawned on me that I should just freeze everything. So I measured out how much I'll eat for the rest of the week (through Friday) and froze the rest. This way I can't eat more than I planned since all of my food is frozen, but I also won't waste any expensive food. So far I've frozen tortillas, tofu, beefless strips, veggie patties, strawberries, and soy yogurt. I may add some Mango Tango and bananas by the end of the week. My main problem now is that there isn't really any space left in the freezer :)
I had:
-most of a corn tortilla ~ 80 calories
-1 leaf of lettuce ~ 5 calories
-1 tbsp of hummus ~ 25 calories
-1/2 veggie patty ~ 85 calories
-4 sips of Odwalla Mango Tango ~ 50 calories
for a grand total of ~245 calories!
I had this all for dinner by spreading the hummus on the tortilla, breaking the veggie patty into the tortilla, and then topping it with lettuce to make a little taco. It was delicious and flavorful so it kept me full for the rest of the night.
I was also able to sneak my scale into the bathroom to weigh myself really quick since my roommates all left the apartment before me. I am now down to 115.5 pounds :)
I also discovered a little trick to keep from eating everything in sight. I've been portioning out all of my dry foods, but I've had to eye out how much I should eat of regular food that I keep in the refrigerator. Usually I'm really good about it, but this has resulted in me throwing out a bunch of food at the end of the week that I didn't eat. Yesterday it finally dawned on me that I should just freeze everything. So I measured out how much I'll eat for the rest of the week (through Friday) and froze the rest. This way I can't eat more than I planned since all of my food is frozen, but I also won't waste any expensive food. So far I've frozen tortillas, tofu, beefless strips, veggie patties, strawberries, and soy yogurt. I may add some Mango Tango and bananas by the end of the week. My main problem now is that there isn't really any space left in the freezer :)
Monday, April 4, 2011
No scale! D:
So sometime in the wee hours of Saturday morning, my bathroom ceiling started leaking water. Then it started pouring. Apparently the girl upstairs left her shower on all night and blocked the drain, completely flooding her apartment enough to start leaking significantly into mine. By the time I woke up, it looked like there had been a hurricane in my bathroom! We had to move everything out, including my scale which had been sitting in a pool of water. I had to let it dry before testing it out, but since there isn't anywhere to put it (can't really use the bathroom right now) I still haven't checked to see if it works. More importantly, I haven't been able to weigh myself since Friday!
This is going to be really hard on me since I absolutely need to make sure I'm losing weight, otherwise I would cut more out of my diet. Without being able to keep track, I think I'll have to default to eating 200-300 calories a day just to be safe. But even with that, I might be stuck at the same weight for a while without even knowing it... Arrgghhhh!!!!
Hopefully I'll be able to sneak my scale back in to the bathroom sometime this week without anyone questioning it. Our toothbrushes aren't even in the bathroom right now though, so if it's bad enough to leave those out I don't know how I would explain the scale...
I also left my reusable water bottle somewhere, and I didn't notice until I was about to leave for class this morning. I'm going to have to rumage through my things and find another one tonight because there is no way I can go one more day without a bottle of water on me, especially if I'm going to be cutting my calories even more than they already were.
This is going to be really hard on me since I absolutely need to make sure I'm losing weight, otherwise I would cut more out of my diet. Without being able to keep track, I think I'll have to default to eating 200-300 calories a day just to be safe. But even with that, I might be stuck at the same weight for a while without even knowing it... Arrgghhhh!!!!
Hopefully I'll be able to sneak my scale back in to the bathroom sometime this week without anyone questioning it. Our toothbrushes aren't even in the bathroom right now though, so if it's bad enough to leave those out I don't know how I would explain the scale...
I also left my reusable water bottle somewhere, and I didn't notice until I was about to leave for class this morning. I'm going to have to rumage through my things and find another one tonight because there is no way I can go one more day without a bottle of water on me, especially if I'm going to be cutting my calories even more than they already were.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Too much
Well today I started out at 116.5 pounds...
Last night I gave in to my hunger and ate some snacks (popcorn and some trail mix..) It may not seem like much but I know it was compared to the amount of calories I consumed all day. Then today I started out well, with only a banana all day until some tofu and broccoli after work...
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Success!
Today I am 116.5 pounds.
I mentioned yesterday that I was determined to step up and focus on my goal, and so far so good! I hope that starting with today, I will get back into the swing of things and continue the weight loss I experienced before spring break. I'm almost at the halfway point of my weight loss, so it's only going to get harder for me.
So anyway, it has been really hot in L.A. lately, which means that I need to drink even more water than I have been. The weather has also been affecting how few calories I can get away with. I'm finding myself incredibly tired after I get back from work, so it's difficult for me to start my homework right away. At the very end of the night I have a terrible headache, which I take to mean that (1) I didn't have enough water during the day, and (2) I am exhausted and could have used a few more calories for my body to recover... I'm not quite sure how to deal with this....
I mentioned yesterday that I was determined to step up and focus on my goal, and so far so good! I hope that starting with today, I will get back into the swing of things and continue the weight loss I experienced before spring break. I'm almost at the halfway point of my weight loss, so it's only going to get harder for me.
So anyway, it has been really hot in L.A. lately, which means that I need to drink even more water than I have been. The weather has also been affecting how few calories I can get away with. I'm finding myself incredibly tired after I get back from work, so it's difficult for me to start my homework right away. At the very end of the night I have a terrible headache, which I take to mean that (1) I didn't have enough water during the day, and (2) I am exhausted and could have used a few more calories for my body to recover... I'm not quite sure how to deal with this....
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Ugh
Today I am 118 pounds. I realize that the half pound increase from yesterday is just due to fluctuations in water weight, but when I saw the numbers on my scale it still motivated me to step it up. I completely slacked off for over half of last week, but when I saw that I hadn't gained any weight I ended up taking it for granted. I can't let that happen again, because next time I probably will gain weight. So I'm taking today's results as a sign to refocus myself and make sure I stay on track. I'm cutting my midday snack into 1/4 of what I usually eat (an entire piece of fruit to 1/4 a piece of fruit) and getting rid of my evening snack of popcorn... I think I'll also switch my black coffee to iced green tea since it's getting hotter out (I haven't been drinking as much coffee as I'd like since I hate iced coffee, but I need the caffeine to burn more calories and to stay awake...). Plus even though green tea has less caffeine, it is an appetite suppressant (I try to have at least one cup a day). Hmm so 3-4 cups of coffee to 1 or less, and 1 cup of tea to 3-4... I will keep this updated to keep track of how things are going..
And I tried drinking some apple cider vinegar before I ate a couple of meals last week, but I ended up forgetting about it. I left it at my boyfriend's house so I won't be able to try it again until next week, but I know I'll be able to test it more regularly when I do and I'll keep track of how that ends up going too (hopefully it does something besides taste bad!).
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Surprise!
Hmm so somehow despite my spring break debacle, I am 117.5 pounds today. Yesterday I weighed myself in the middle of the day and it said 118, which I couldn't believe seeing as how I ate a ton over break... I am definitely not complaining though! Even though I didn't really lose any weight for a week, thank goodness I didn't gain any!
So I started wearing a red Ana bracelet on Saturday, and I love it. It's the perfect way to remind myself of my goals, and I certainly recommend making one/buying one if you need a little extra encouragement :)
So I started wearing a red Ana bracelet on Saturday, and I love it. It's the perfect way to remind myself of my goals, and I certainly recommend making one/buying one if you need a little extra encouragement :)
Monday, March 28, 2011
Spring Break
So last week was spring break, which is why I wasn't able to update this blog at all. I spent the entire week with my boyfriend, so I never had the chance to sneak away and post anything. This also meant that I was really really bad at keeping up with my routine. I ate sooooo much this past week, especially this past weekend... I feel so gross and chubby blegh...
It really sucks because I did so much to lose those 10 pounds, and now I'm almost certain that I gained at least half of it back. I haven't been able to weigh myself yet, but I can see it in my belly.
And now school is starting up again, which I'm dreading (even though at the same time I'm kind of looking forward to getting back into my routine). I know that I'll be able to keep up with my diet as long as I'm at school/work all day, plus I'll be able to distract myself in the evenings with readings and assignments I have to complete. I really need to get this weight off, I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror any longer! During break I went to a friend's party, and a few people were pointing out how I was looking more slim and that I was looking good. This equals guilt for eating so much, but also encouragement to keep up with the weight loss...
Hmm... I guess I'm just rambling now lol I had a great time during break but I really did miss this blog so much! I really wanted to post an update, so even though I didn't have anything to say I just had to frantically type up this post before my next class.
It really sucks because I did so much to lose those 10 pounds, and now I'm almost certain that I gained at least half of it back. I haven't been able to weigh myself yet, but I can see it in my belly.
And now school is starting up again, which I'm dreading (even though at the same time I'm kind of looking forward to getting back into my routine). I know that I'll be able to keep up with my diet as long as I'm at school/work all day, plus I'll be able to distract myself in the evenings with readings and assignments I have to complete. I really need to get this weight off, I can't stand looking at myself in the mirror any longer! During break I went to a friend's party, and a few people were pointing out how I was looking more slim and that I was looking good. This equals guilt for eating so much, but also encouragement to keep up with the weight loss...
Hmm... I guess I'm just rambling now lol I had a great time during break but I really did miss this blog so much! I really wanted to post an update, so even though I didn't have anything to say I just had to frantically type up this post before my next class.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Hoarding
I have a confession to make.
I am obsessed with hoarding food. I LOVE buying food--tons of it. For example, if I buy cereal I'll buy four boxes. Based on how much I eat, it takes me forrrreeevvveeerrr to finish it. But I love just having the cereal boxes lined up nicely next to each other on the shelf, unopened. When I do open a box, I check the serving size and weigh out single portions and put them into ziploc bags so if I ever absolutely need a snack I just grab a bag and I don't have to worry about overeating. I weigh out the entire box, bag the servings, and put all the little bags back into the box, nice and neat.
I have a problem, lol, I know.
Hmm I wasn't able to weigh myself first thing this morning, but I don't think I lost any weight. :( Yesterday I kept snacking on everything! A few raisins here, and few peanuts there and next thing I know I probably ate an extra 100-200 calories than I had planned. And seeing as how I only eat at most 500 calories a day, that was a lot... Ugh and now it's spring break, which is good of course! but I'm worried that I'll end up eating all day.
My hunger has also started to catch up to me, so it's getting so much harder to stick to my eating plans. Like I said, I keep sneaking in a teensy bite of this and that multiple times a day and it really adds up.
I am obsessed with hoarding food. I LOVE buying food--tons of it. For example, if I buy cereal I'll buy four boxes. Based on how much I eat, it takes me forrrreeevvveeerrr to finish it. But I love just having the cereal boxes lined up nicely next to each other on the shelf, unopened. When I do open a box, I check the serving size and weigh out single portions and put them into ziploc bags so if I ever absolutely need a snack I just grab a bag and I don't have to worry about overeating. I weigh out the entire box, bag the servings, and put all the little bags back into the box, nice and neat.
I have a problem, lol, I know.
Hmm I wasn't able to weigh myself first thing this morning, but I don't think I lost any weight. :( Yesterday I kept snacking on everything! A few raisins here, and few peanuts there and next thing I know I probably ate an extra 100-200 calories than I had planned. And seeing as how I only eat at most 500 calories a day, that was a lot... Ugh and now it's spring break, which is good of course! but I'm worried that I'll end up eating all day.
My hunger has also started to catch up to me, so it's getting so much harder to stick to my eating plans. Like I said, I keep sneaking in a teensy bite of this and that multiple times a day and it really adds up.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Letter to the Author
To JM:
Although I haven't yet finished your book, it has already gotten me thinking about how I can possibly expand my thinking. I recently stopped eating, and on only the 3rd day I started feeling the effects of it. I was walking to my next class when I noticed how detached from the world I felt. I suddenly realized that this is what I feel whenever I am high on some kind of drug--detached, walking through the world as if I am an outsider looking in, watching people go about their lives completely oblivious to the deep thoughts I am having, just watching/observing/thinking... Everything around me seems fuzzy or blurred, like in those movie scenes where the guy is standing still while people are moving in fast forward around him. It is during these moments when you can truly think, when time seems to stop only for you. When you just get to watch and think.
I don't know anything about the physiology/neurology when you don't eat, but could this be a source of at least a semi-permanent high? If not, I definitely feel at least a temporary high right now, without the use of any drugs...
I read that when you fast, you may feel a sense of euphoria. Is this perhaps due to forgoing something so physical and worldly as food, instead relying on higher brain processes to dampen such cravings and realizing how much of human evolution you are ignoring? We are meant to eat as much as possible in times of surplus in case of famine. We are now living in a world of surplus and yet we still follow these same patterns as evolution is slow. Most people would be unable to fast for a day, let alone make it a lifestyle choice. And they aren't to be blamed as it would go against human nature and all of human evolution to fast. But here I am, and here are other followers of Ana. Defying the odds and living in what I would call a completely different state of mind. (Although I suppose most would consider it a disordered state of mind, in need of some form of psychological help--which I don't entirely disagree with either.)
--BL
Although I haven't yet finished your book, it has already gotten me thinking about how I can possibly expand my thinking. I recently stopped eating, and on only the 3rd day I started feeling the effects of it. I was walking to my next class when I noticed how detached from the world I felt. I suddenly realized that this is what I feel whenever I am high on some kind of drug--detached, walking through the world as if I am an outsider looking in, watching people go about their lives completely oblivious to the deep thoughts I am having, just watching/observing/thinking... Everything around me seems fuzzy or blurred, like in those movie scenes where the guy is standing still while people are moving in fast forward around him. It is during these moments when you can truly think, when time seems to stop only for you. When you just get to watch and think.
I don't know anything about the physiology/neurology when you don't eat, but could this be a source of at least a semi-permanent high? If not, I definitely feel at least a temporary high right now, without the use of any drugs...
I read that when you fast, you may feel a sense of euphoria. Is this perhaps due to forgoing something so physical and worldly as food, instead relying on higher brain processes to dampen such cravings and realizing how much of human evolution you are ignoring? We are meant to eat as much as possible in times of surplus in case of famine. We are now living in a world of surplus and yet we still follow these same patterns as evolution is slow. Most people would be unable to fast for a day, let alone make it a lifestyle choice. And they aren't to be blamed as it would go against human nature and all of human evolution to fast. But here I am, and here are other followers of Ana. Defying the odds and living in what I would call a completely different state of mind. (Although I suppose most would consider it a disordered state of mind, in need of some form of psychological help--which I don't entirely disagree with either.)
--BL
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Anticipation
Today I am 120.5 pounds.
I can't wait to lose more weight and be skinny for once in my life! It's been warming up lately so I haven't been wearing a jacket/sweater anymore. I keep imagining my arms being so perfectly lovely and skinny every time I move them. I also imagine how lovely my elbows will be once you can finally see them! My fingers will be so thin and best of all... hipbones!!! shoulder blades! collar bones galore!
At the same time, I've been getting kind of paranoid. As "pro Ana" as I consider myself/my behavior to be, I keep worrying that someone will eventually see through all of my lies and discover my potential anorexia (I haven't been diagnosed so who knows what I have). I knew I would keep this blog completely anonymous, but I feel so dishonest going back into my "browsing history" and deleting any trace of me ever visiting this blog or any other pro Ana site. And I've been so paranoid about anyone even seeing a corner of any of those sites out of the very corner of their eyes that I'm always looking around to gauge people's vantage points and determine if it's "safe" for me to continue...
Okay, that sounded really crazy, but it's at least somewhat true. I can't let anyone find out that I'm doing this. As much as I want to be obviously thin (and therefore obviously lose weight), I can't let my means of achieving this goal be obvious... With that said, I've dropped 8.5 pounds in one week, and I know for a fact that my boyfriend has noticed. The main change in my body so far has been my belly/waist, and it's only noticeable to him because his arm is always around my waist. He hasn't said anything about it, but I did tell him that I'm fasting for Lent and not actually trying to lose weight. I'm so afraid of what could happen if he finds out what I've been hiding from him...
I can't wait to lose more weight and be skinny for once in my life! It's been warming up lately so I haven't been wearing a jacket/sweater anymore. I keep imagining my arms being so perfectly lovely and skinny every time I move them. I also imagine how lovely my elbows will be once you can finally see them! My fingers will be so thin and best of all... hipbones!!! shoulder blades! collar bones galore!
At the same time, I've been getting kind of paranoid. As "pro Ana" as I consider myself/my behavior to be, I keep worrying that someone will eventually see through all of my lies and discover my potential anorexia (I haven't been diagnosed so who knows what I have). I knew I would keep this blog completely anonymous, but I feel so dishonest going back into my "browsing history" and deleting any trace of me ever visiting this blog or any other pro Ana site. And I've been so paranoid about anyone even seeing a corner of any of those sites out of the very corner of their eyes that I'm always looking around to gauge people's vantage points and determine if it's "safe" for me to continue...
Okay, that sounded really crazy, but it's at least somewhat true. I can't let anyone find out that I'm doing this. As much as I want to be obviously thin (and therefore obviously lose weight), I can't let my means of achieving this goal be obvious... With that said, I've dropped 8.5 pounds in one week, and I know for a fact that my boyfriend has noticed. The main change in my body so far has been my belly/waist, and it's only noticeable to him because his arm is always around my waist. He hasn't said anything about it, but I did tell him that I'm fasting for Lent and not actually trying to lose weight. I'm so afraid of what could happen if he finds out what I've been hiding from him...
Monday, March 14, 2011
Religion
Ash Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent and my attempt at a 40 day fast. Although I had been really religious in high school, I completely stopped going to mass/church at the end of my first year at university.
Lately I've been reading a lot about philosophy and drugs and the philosophy of drugs... I've decided that this fast will be good for my mind if not my body. I will have more time to think and reflect on my life and what is important to me and what I want out of it. I also feel that, like drugs (or my choice of drugs anyway), fasting will bring me closer to a peaceful mindset.
Anyway, today I am still 121.5 pounds.
I went home with my boyfriend William for the weekend, which is why I wasn't able to update this blog. I also couldn't really keep up with my ideal diet because of his family. On Saturday, I was doing really well until he walked in the room and told me someone got a promotion and wants to take the family out to a buffet for dinner.... ARGH! Really?!? Anyway I went and figured I would just stick to the salad bar, but I guess everyone was looking out for anything vegan for me to eat (which of course is really sweet but not right now lol, I'm kind of in the middle of something!). So William pointed out that they had french fries and I went over to take a tiny scoop, but he served me instead and gave me a bunch! Then he offered me some fried bananas, so I cringed and said I'd try one and he gave me two ugh. Anyway, I probably didn't do too badly at the buffet because I picked at all the food and after that I did just stick to the salad bar. Plus there is no way I could be upset at William for foiling my plans like that because he was so sweet about it. <3
Sunday was bad though. We went to get Mexican food for lunch, and I only ate 1/3 of my veggie burrito with a bunch of chili peppers to fill me up/speed up my metabolism/force me to drink a bunch of water. But then William gave me a fruit salad that was in some kind of syrupy mix full of sugar. Around 6ish (my normal dinner time) I was getting really hungry but his family always eats late so I started snacking on my burrito. I probably ate close to another 1/3 and then stopped myself because I knew I'd have to eat more later. At dinner his mom started me off with a HUGE scoop of rice, which was weird because she didn't give nearly as much to anyone else... Does she think I eat that much?! I wonder if I used to eat THAT much... That would explain the chubbyness eww.. Luckily the veggie dish she made me was full of mushrooms I don't like, so I picked at it and made it look like I ate it. I left more than 75% of the rice though, it was way too much. After dinner I ended up eating some grapefruit.
So after all that, I didn't lose/gain any weight. I wasn't expecting to lose any going in to the weekend, but it still sucked when I weighed myself this morning and saw that I didn't, especially after such a successful first week. But that just means that my metabolism has pretty much shut down and I need to really focus this week if I expect any more weight loss.
Lately I've been reading a lot about philosophy and drugs and the philosophy of drugs... I've decided that this fast will be good for my mind if not my body. I will have more time to think and reflect on my life and what is important to me and what I want out of it. I also feel that, like drugs (or my choice of drugs anyway), fasting will bring me closer to a peaceful mindset.
Anyway, today I am still 121.5 pounds.
I went home with my boyfriend William for the weekend, which is why I wasn't able to update this blog. I also couldn't really keep up with my ideal diet because of his family. On Saturday, I was doing really well until he walked in the room and told me someone got a promotion and wants to take the family out to a buffet for dinner.... ARGH! Really?!? Anyway I went and figured I would just stick to the salad bar, but I guess everyone was looking out for anything vegan for me to eat (which of course is really sweet but not right now lol, I'm kind of in the middle of something!). So William pointed out that they had french fries and I went over to take a tiny scoop, but he served me instead and gave me a bunch! Then he offered me some fried bananas, so I cringed and said I'd try one and he gave me two ugh. Anyway, I probably didn't do too badly at the buffet because I picked at all the food and after that I did just stick to the salad bar. Plus there is no way I could be upset at William for foiling my plans like that because he was so sweet about it. <3
Sunday was bad though. We went to get Mexican food for lunch, and I only ate 1/3 of my veggie burrito with a bunch of chili peppers to fill me up/speed up my metabolism/force me to drink a bunch of water. But then William gave me a fruit salad that was in some kind of syrupy mix full of sugar. Around 6ish (my normal dinner time) I was getting really hungry but his family always eats late so I started snacking on my burrito. I probably ate close to another 1/3 and then stopped myself because I knew I'd have to eat more later. At dinner his mom started me off with a HUGE scoop of rice, which was weird because she didn't give nearly as much to anyone else... Does she think I eat that much?! I wonder if I used to eat THAT much... That would explain the chubbyness eww.. Luckily the veggie dish she made me was full of mushrooms I don't like, so I picked at it and made it look like I ate it. I left more than 75% of the rice though, it was way too much. After dinner I ended up eating some grapefruit.
So after all that, I didn't lose/gain any weight. I wasn't expecting to lose any going in to the weekend, but it still sucked when I weighed myself this morning and saw that I didn't, especially after such a successful first week. But that just means that my metabolism has pretty much shut down and I need to really focus this week if I expect any more weight loss.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Blacking out
I have blacked out 2 times in my life. Once at church because I hadn't eaten and once after I donated blood, again because I hadn't eaten. I hate it--it's so embarrassing waking up lying flat on the floor with everyone looking down at you with their concerned faces but secretly thinking you're irresponsible for not eating. I have to master a way to avoid ever blacking out again...
I am 121.5 pounds today. My weight loss is slowing down, which means my metabolism is finally catching on to my devious scheme. I think I might try eating more calories in the daytime as snacks (only two snacks allowed between 6am and 6pm during my fast) so that I won't eat as much after 6pm for dinner. I also ordered a bunch of macadamia nuts online, so once I receive those I might try the Kekwick diet for 3 days. I could also go back to the trustworthy 2468 plan, as I'm currently eating pretty much the same thing everyday (apple/some kind of fruit in the day and a cup of pasta at night). This way I could hopefully confuse my metabolism again and also get some more calories than I have been during the 6 and 8 days without gaining any weight. During Lent I'm not supposed to fast on Sundays, so maybe if I eat two small meals on Sundays and just maintain my weight from the previous day I'll also feel a bit healthier during the rest of the week.
Ugh. SO much thinking and planning. But I guess I like it. It's nice having such power over my body, over my "basic primal urges" so to speak. At least for now, since I'm actually losing weight...
I am 121.5 pounds today. My weight loss is slowing down, which means my metabolism is finally catching on to my devious scheme. I think I might try eating more calories in the daytime as snacks (only two snacks allowed between 6am and 6pm during my fast) so that I won't eat as much after 6pm for dinner. I also ordered a bunch of macadamia nuts online, so once I receive those I might try the Kekwick diet for 3 days. I could also go back to the trustworthy 2468 plan, as I'm currently eating pretty much the same thing everyday (apple/some kind of fruit in the day and a cup of pasta at night). This way I could hopefully confuse my metabolism again and also get some more calories than I have been during the 6 and 8 days without gaining any weight. During Lent I'm not supposed to fast on Sundays, so maybe if I eat two small meals on Sundays and just maintain my weight from the previous day I'll also feel a bit healthier during the rest of the week.
Ugh. SO much thinking and planning. But I guess I like it. It's nice having such power over my body, over my "basic primal urges" so to speak. At least for now, since I'm actually losing weight...
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Dizzy
Today I am 122.5 pounds
In class we did professor evaluations. I stood up to turn mine in and got really dizzy. At first I had a mini-freak out, worried that I would pass out right there in front of the class. Luckily, it passed just as quickly as it had appeared and I was able to relax/breathe. I sat back down and had some of my unsweetened iced green tea, which has recently become one of my best friends. Green tea helps to curb your appetite (not to mention that it is absolutely delicious--waaaayyy better than water but with the same 0 calories) and also fills you up just like plain water would. Anyway, I couldn't drink very much of it because I had already had a lot of it, plus plain water earlier, and I didn't want to leave class to go to the bathroom.
In class we did professor evaluations. I stood up to turn mine in and got really dizzy. At first I had a mini-freak out, worried that I would pass out right there in front of the class. Luckily, it passed just as quickly as it had appeared and I was able to relax/breathe. I sat back down and had some of my unsweetened iced green tea, which has recently become one of my best friends. Green tea helps to curb your appetite (not to mention that it is absolutely delicious--waaaayyy better than water but with the same 0 calories) and also fills you up just like plain water would. Anyway, I couldn't drink very much of it because I had already had a lot of it, plus plain water earlier, and I didn't want to leave class to go to the bathroom.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Obsession
For as long as I can remember I have been obsessed with food.
When I was 12 years old I became vegan. This lasted for almost two years, when I decided to be vegetarian to open up my choice of foods (my parents also thought I wasn't getting the proper nutrients for a growing child). During my first year of college I became vegan again, and have kept up with that diet for just over two years now.
Being vegan/vegetarian can be difficult. It's not that I was questioning my choice--I love being vegan and knowing that I am doing my part to help helpless animals who are suffering so us humans can enjoy a gross hamburger from McDonald's. But I must admit, sometimes I want to eat a burger! Especially now that I'm vegan, and things like cupcakes and muffins and donuts, etc. AREN'T vegan, I'm left to daydream about eating these delicious foods that I had once taken for granted. Of course, if I were willing I could bake all of these things myself according to a vegan recipe, but the real difficulty lay within actually seeing these foods when I'm out and about and WANTING them there. It would be amazing to go to a fast food restaurant and just order anything I want, but Ican't won't.
Anyway, I'm obviously used to restricting my diet and not allowing myself to eat whatever I want at the time. I limited my food intake when I first became vegetarian, then again when I became vegan, and I will be attempting to do so again now. Although my parents were at first skeptical of me keeping up with a vegetarian diet ("it's just a phase, you won't last a week"), I have been successful thus far (vegetarian for 8 years now...). I have also been able to keep up with a stricter vegan diet for 2 years. I guess we'll see how successful I am with my new plan...
I am 124 pounds today, 2 pounds lighter than yesterday :)
When I was 12 years old I became vegan. This lasted for almost two years, when I decided to be vegetarian to open up my choice of foods (my parents also thought I wasn't getting the proper nutrients for a growing child). During my first year of college I became vegan again, and have kept up with that diet for just over two years now.
Being vegan/vegetarian can be difficult. It's not that I was questioning my choice--I love being vegan and knowing that I am doing my part to help helpless animals who are suffering so us humans can enjoy a gross hamburger from McDonald's. But I must admit, sometimes I want to eat a burger! Especially now that I'm vegan, and things like cupcakes and muffins and donuts, etc. AREN'T vegan, I'm left to daydream about eating these delicious foods that I had once taken for granted. Of course, if I were willing I could bake all of these things myself according to a vegan recipe, but the real difficulty lay within actually seeing these foods when I'm out and about and WANTING them there. It would be amazing to go to a fast food restaurant and just order anything I want, but I
Anyway, I'm obviously used to restricting my diet and not allowing myself to eat whatever I want at the time. I limited my food intake when I first became vegetarian, then again when I became vegan, and I will be attempting to do so again now. Although my parents were at first skeptical of me keeping up with a vegetarian diet ("it's just a phase, you won't last a week"), I have been successful thus far (vegetarian for 8 years now...). I have also been able to keep up with a stricter vegan diet for 2 years. I guess we'll see how successful I am with my new plan...
I am 124 pounds today, 2 pounds lighter than yesterday :)
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A new beginning
Hello, everyone... I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to introduce this blog, so I guess I'll just dive right into it.
I've always been a "healthy" weight, so healthy that by the time I started my senior year of high school I was 155 pounds (at a height of 5'3")... Although I had been self-conscious of my weight, I never weighed myself and therefore hadn't even realized I had gotten so big. This definitely freaked me out so I decided to start exercising/dieting/taking diet pills. By the time I graduated I had gotten down to 125 pounds (yay!) mostly through restricting my diet.
I started college and thought that since I was living away from my parents I could restrict my food intake as much as I wanted without anyone being the wiser. But with dorm eating halls and roommates to have meals with, I ended up gaining weight and was 130 pounds after my first 2 quarters at university. This freaked me out again so of course I started restricting my diet, eating a small bowl of salad with tofu and corn every day. I was able to get away with eating this and the occasional fruit cup by telling my friend (who I ate with everyday) that I was just sick of the dorm food. By summer I was down to 120.
I stayed at this weight for about a year, but then at the beginning of my third year I moved in with my boyfriend, and also started going home with him (to his family's home) every weekend. This meant eating with his family EVERY weekend... I started gaining weight and got up to 125 in a few months. This past weekend got me all the way to 129.
Once I saw the 129 on the scale I knew it was once again time for drastic measures. This time hopefully I can do even more significant weight loss and get down to my goal of 100 pounds. I also need to really focus so I can stay at this weight instead of fluctuating as much as I have in the past.
I didn't eat anything yesterday and this morning I was at 126. Obviously most of the 3 missing pounds was due to water weight, but it really inspired me to keep going and lose all of the extra weight I currently carry around.
I have not been diagnosed with any kind of disorder, but I guess I would consider this blog pro-ana. Please don't hate.
I've always been a "healthy" weight, so healthy that by the time I started my senior year of high school I was 155 pounds (at a height of 5'3")... Although I had been self-conscious of my weight, I never weighed myself and therefore hadn't even realized I had gotten so big. This definitely freaked me out so I decided to start exercising/dieting/taking diet pills. By the time I graduated I had gotten down to 125 pounds (yay!) mostly through restricting my diet.
I started college and thought that since I was living away from my parents I could restrict my food intake as much as I wanted without anyone being the wiser. But with dorm eating halls and roommates to have meals with, I ended up gaining weight and was 130 pounds after my first 2 quarters at university. This freaked me out again so of course I started restricting my diet, eating a small bowl of salad with tofu and corn every day. I was able to get away with eating this and the occasional fruit cup by telling my friend (who I ate with everyday) that I was just sick of the dorm food. By summer I was down to 120.
I stayed at this weight for about a year, but then at the beginning of my third year I moved in with my boyfriend, and also started going home with him (to his family's home) every weekend. This meant eating with his family EVERY weekend... I started gaining weight and got up to 125 in a few months. This past weekend got me all the way to 129.
Once I saw the 129 on the scale I knew it was once again time for drastic measures. This time hopefully I can do even more significant weight loss and get down to my goal of 100 pounds. I also need to really focus so I can stay at this weight instead of fluctuating as much as I have in the past.
I didn't eat anything yesterday and this morning I was at 126. Obviously most of the 3 missing pounds was due to water weight, but it really inspired me to keep going and lose all of the extra weight I currently carry around.
I have not been diagnosed with any kind of disorder, but I guess I would consider this blog pro-ana. Please don't hate.
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