Letter to the Author

To JM:
Although I haven't yet finished your book, it has already gotten me thinking about how I can possibly expand my thinking.  I recently stopped eating, and on only the 3rd day I started feeling the effects of it.  I was walking to my next class when I noticed how detached from the world I felt.  I suddenly realized that this is what I feel whenever I am high on some kind of drug--detached, walking through the world as if I am an outsider looking in, watching people go about their lives completely oblivious to the deep thoughts I am having, just watching/observing/thinking...  Everything around me seems fuzzy or blurred, like in those movie scenes where the guy is standing still while people are moving in fast forward around him.  It is during these moments when you can truly think, when time seems to stop only for you.  When you just get to watch and think.

I don't know anything about the physiology/neurology when you don't eat, but could this be a source of at least a semi-permanent high?  If not, I definitely feel at least a temporary high right now, without the use of any drugs...  
I read that when you fast, you may feel a sense of euphoria.  Is this perhaps due to forgoing something so physical and worldly as food, instead relying on higher brain processes to dampen such cravings and realizing how much of human evolution you are ignoring?  We are meant to eat as much as possible in times of surplus in case of famine.  We are now living in a world of surplus and yet we still follow these same patterns as evolution is slow.  Most people would be unable to fast for a day, let alone make it a lifestyle choice.  And they aren't to be blamed as it would go against human nature and all of human evolution to fast.  But here I am, and here are other followers of Ana.  Defying the odds and living in what I would call a completely different state of mind.  (Although I suppose most would consider it a disordered state of mind, in need of some form of psychological help--which I don't entirely disagree with either.)

--BL

Religion

Ash Wednesday marked the beginning of Lent and my attempt at a 40 day fast.  Although I had been really religious in high school, I completely stopped going to mass/church at the end of my first year at university.

Lately I've been reading a lot about philosophy and drugs and the philosophy of drugs...  I've decided that this fast will be good for my mind if not my body.  I will have more time to think and reflect on my life and what is important to me and what I want out of it.  I also feel that, like drugs (or my choice of drugs anyway), fasting will bring me closer to a peaceful mindset. 

Anyway, today I am still 121.5 pounds.

I went home with my boyfriend William for the weekend, which is why I wasn't able to update this blog.  I also couldn't really keep up with my ideal diet because of his family.  On Saturday, I was doing really well until he walked in the room and told me someone got a promotion and wants to take the family out to a buffet for dinner....  ARGH! Really?!?  Anyway I went and figured I would just stick to the salad bar, but I guess everyone was looking out for anything vegan for me to eat (which of course is really sweet but not right now lol, I'm kind of in the middle of something!).  So William pointed out that they had french fries and I went over to take a tiny scoop, but he served me instead and gave me a bunch!  Then he offered me some fried bananas, so I cringed and said I'd try one and he gave me two ugh.  Anyway, I probably didn't do too badly at the buffet because I picked at all the food and after that I did just stick to the salad bar.  Plus there is no way I could be upset at William for foiling my plans like that because he was so sweet about it. <3


Sunday was bad though.  We went to get Mexican food for lunch, and I only ate 1/3 of my veggie burrito with a bunch of chili peppers to fill me up/speed up my metabolism/force me to drink a bunch of water.  But then William gave me a fruit salad that was in some kind of syrupy mix full of sugar.  Around 6ish (my normal dinner time) I was getting really hungry but his family always eats late so I started snacking on my burrito.  I probably ate close to another 1/3 and then stopped myself because I knew I'd have to eat more later.  At dinner his mom started me off with a HUGE scoop of rice, which was weird because she didn't give nearly as much to anyone else...  Does she think I eat that much?!  I wonder if I used to eat THAT much...  That would explain the chubbyness eww..  Luckily the veggie dish she made me was full of mushrooms I don't like, so I picked at it and made it look like I ate it.  I left more than 75% of the rice though, it was way too much.  After dinner I ended up eating some grapefruit.


So after all that, I didn't lose/gain any weight.  I wasn't expecting to lose any going in to the weekend, but it still sucked when I weighed myself this morning and saw that I didn't, especially after such a successful first week.  But that just means that my metabolism has pretty much shut down and I need to really focus this week if I expect any more weight loss.